**content warning: discussion of eating disorders**
“Don’t waste your time, don’t waste your life’s purpose worrying about your body. This is your vessel, it's your house, it's where you live.” - Emma Thompson
When I heard these words come across a random video on my TikTok for you page, I felt a sense of relief. This put everything I had ever learned about body image into a simple message.
With summer approaching, I wanted to write about a topic that really hits home for me, yet still receives a lot of stigma : eating disorders.
Growing up a gymnast, I was involved in sports really early on. Don’t get me wrong, I loved gymnastics. I also loved coming home from school to tell my dad that I beat the boys during the pacer test. I loved feeling strong, healthy, and competitive.
During my health class in seventh grade, we watched “Super Size Me”. This film follows a man who ate only McDonald’s for a month. It went into detail about the side effects he experienced, etc.
Why was this shown to 12 year olds? I will never be able to answer that. It also did not help that we were asked to log our meals and submit pictures of them. Then, we began learning about various eating disorders in a textbook. We would read these sections outloud to the class. I began thinking about food and body image in unhealthy ways.
At first, I began trying to eat healthier, but it turned into an obsession quickly. What I deemed as “healthy eating” turned into a pattern of restricting more and more everyday. I tried to hide it from everyone, and I did for a while. I felt like I was doing the right thing, even though I barely had enough energy to get through the day.
Eventually, my family and friends caught onto what I was struggling with and I was diagnosed with Anorexia that winter. Now, it aches me to even think about someone so young having to deal with something so complex.
Recovery was far from linear and by the time I was a freshman in high school, I was hospitalized. I had never felt so alone in my life. It’s crazy what eating disorders can do to you - even when I sat in a wheelchair with a feeding tube up my nose, I still had no desire to get better. Even when I had to be rushed to the ER for low blood sugar, I didn't think my disorder was that bad. Even when my life was so out of control, I thought I was so in control.
The hardest pill I had to swallow: I was the only one who could make my life better. Once I fully committed to getting better myself, that's when progress happened. After lots of hard work, I was much better by my junior year of high school. However, I missed all the academic credits from my freshman year and had to take extra classes in order to graduate on time. Although I wish I could go back in time and tell that girl, struggling to eat the meal in front of her, how beautiful she was inside and out, I believe my recovery taught me some of the biggest life lessons so early on.
I hope to share my story as one of hope. At the time of my struggles, I wished someone understood how hard it was to get better, and I hope to be that voice of validation for someone. I also hope to demonstrate the importance of getting better for yourself and treating your mind and body with the love it deserves. There is so much more to this life than getting caught up in the way we look and there are so many more interesting things about you than the number on the scale.
Although uncomfortable, these kinds of conversations need to be made. We all go through challenges in our life and I hope this serves as a reminder that these times are also when we grow the most. If you're going through anything similar or just want to talk, please reach out to me - 847-404-3926 :) “This too shall pass.”
- Erin ♡